A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You Might Also Like
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life