If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: