Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down