If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[eulogy]
line?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
this is the best day of my life
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
me and the Superbowl rn
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.