Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
All generalizations are stupid.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
an airline just for babies.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff