*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve