The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Smooooooth
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.