[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm