My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
men, we mow at sunrise.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
True?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.