America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
You Might Also Like
this makes me so uncomfortable
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.