These are my roll models.
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat