Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.