WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
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*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
put ‘er there pardner!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related