Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Perfection.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…