What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Happy Taco Tuesday
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.