scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
You Might Also Like
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
We’re all getting idioter.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.