[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“No way.” -Jose
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Software Development ⛵️
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”