An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
SF is the wild wild west man
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.