Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
This meeting could have been a cake
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
#NoRestForTheWicked
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?