[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.