My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).