Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
This is a bad sign
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”