*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
You Might Also Like
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.