I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”