[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.