You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science