sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.