The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
No regrets in 2018
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.