Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going