Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?