(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This rocks
the red hot silly peppers
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.