Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”