You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.