Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
All generalizations are stupid.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house