*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“our sushi is very fresh”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A double negative is a big no-no.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.