My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real