my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?