Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Weighing up my bread heating options
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches