I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”