Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.