imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
You Might Also Like
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting