“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.