How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
All food is good if you spell it wrong
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.