My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?