I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Nothing.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.