I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that