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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no