and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already