This is amazing.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.