I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
If you breakdance you buy dance.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot